Pornography’s Big Lie: The Fear of Missing Out
Guest Post Written by Mark Sanders, President, Harvest USA.
The sneakiest trick pornography ever pulled was convincing the user that it brings some benefit to their life. Pornography’s big lie is wrapped up in FOMO—the fear of missing out.
Let me be clear. Pornography brings zero benefit to your life. One free secular resource for helping men quit pornography is called Easy Peasy. Chapter 10 is titled “Advantages of Being a Porn User”—followed by two completely blank pages! It’s a clever tactic to dispel pornography’s greatest lie: all the pain, tears, broken relationships, and self-harm that come with pornography are somehow worth its benefits. That is fundamentally the wrong premise. It’s not a cost/benefit analysis. It’s only cost, with zero benefit.
Why Do We Believe the Lie?
Easy Peasy helpfully describes how pornography deceives us. Pornography gives the illusion of help and benefit through the release of dopamine as someone searches for pornography. Notice I said “searches,” not “looks at.” The author distinguishes the experience of the hunt as more intoxicating than the kill. This is why the strongest feelings of pleasure a porn user experiences are not during an orgasm, but during the search for new pornography. They don’t want the hunt to end because that’s when the spell is broken, they awaken from the illusion, and they’re back in a reality that’s worse than before they started.
The pain didn’t go away. Pornography only added a new layer of suffering and despair.
Many people turn to porn because they think it will take the edge off some painful experience like boredom, anxiety, stress, or disappointment. And for a moment, it seems to work. But afterwards, they realize that the pain didn’t go away. Pornography only added a new layer of suffering and despair.
Pornography is like an abusive boyfriend. You gain nothing by staying in that relationship. He only hurts you. But somehow, as much as you have determined to leave and never come back, you find yourself hypnotized once again by his sweet-sounding texts and promises to love you better, feeling strangely obliged to stay with him.
Switching Your Mindset to Break Pornography’s Big Lie
“That was the last time; I’m never going back.” Have you ever said that? There are two fundamentally opposite mindsets that can accompany those words, the loss mindset and the freedom mindset.
The Loss Mindset. The first mindset all but guarantees you will go back. The loss mindset leaves pornography but constantly looks back, believing that you’re giving up something good. You know you should give it up, but you also believe you’re losing something of value. This was Lot’s wife’s mindset. She was escaping both the sin of Sodom and the judgment of God. But she didn’t see it that way. She believed she was losing by leaving.
The Freedom Mindset. The opposite of the loss mindset is the freedom mindset. This mindset views leaving pornography as finally being set free from prison. You hated being captive to this monster, and now that you’re free, you’ll do whatever it takes to remain free. Every day of freedom fills you with gratitude. Some days, it feels too good to be true—but it is true! The spell of pornography’s big lie has been broken, you see porn for what it is, and you shudder at the thought of ever returning to it.
Am I Free If I’m Still Tempted?
To make this concrete, let’s consider these two mindsets in a moment of temptation. You’re on your phone, scrolling social media, and a suggestive image appears. In both mindsets, there’s an initial, split-second pull that says, “this is enticing, I want this.” If you’re operating under a loss mindset, that initial trigger quickly turns into the belief that you’ve been missing out on something good; now you have to muster the willpower to resist what you want. This is the classic white-knuckling approach, and it typically ends in returning to your sin. Without realizing it, you’ve already been deceived into the illusion that porn is good. You’re trying to fight while already under the spell of pornography’s big lie.
But the freedom mindset, while initially tempted, quickly snaps back to reality. The initial draw is snuffed out by the suffocating realization that pornography is deadly to everything good in your life. As you turn from temptation, you’re filled once again with gratitude that you’re awake and no longer under its spell. This requires no white knuckling, because you know you’re not missing out on anything. There’s still a battle to fight with the freedom mindset, but it’s a battle to stay awake in the free world and not be lulled back into the land of illusion.
Brothers and sisters, this isn’t a pipe dream. You can leave this abusive relationship and never go back. Under the illusion, you’re scared that if you don’t have pornography, you won’t have anything to help you through the hard times. Life will be dull and dreary. But as you step out into the free world, you see just how small your prison was. Under pornography’s big lie, you were living in a black and white, square cage of dopamine hits. As you step out, your world expands, bursting with radiant color and light.
What Is Your Freedom Resting On?
There are many reasons to fight sin, especially sexual sin. This article is focused on one particular reason that the Bible legitimizes—sin harms the sinner. The book of Proverbs is full of warnings not to sin because it will lead to pain, suffering, and death. Wanting what is best for your life is not selfish, especially if that desire is aligned with God’s will. God didn’t create us as stoics who only obey because it’s the right thing to do. The promise of blessing and reward for obedience is woven throughout every section of Scripture. And this is where the Christian has great assurance that their obedience is not in vain, which is something the unbeliever fundamentally lacks.
Freedom from any ensnaring addiction is only sustained if we’re free for a life that is truly good. The battle is not only about freedom frompornography, it is equally about freedom for life in Christ.
This is why a resource like Easy Peasy can, at best, only assume some standard of a good life—but life isn’t always good.
The Good Life and True Freedom Are Only in Christ
For some unbelievers, their temporal, earthly blessings may be sufficient for them to conclude that pornography isn’t worth the risk. They see pornography’s big lie for what it is. Praise God that his common grace leads many unbelievers to this conclusion. But they’re on shaky ground because the good things their freedom allows them to enjoy can easily be taken away in a tragic accident.
At some point, the unbeliever might understandably ask, “what good is freedom? Why stay awake if all you can experience is pain? Why not numb the pain and travel back into the land of illusion, where at least you feel momentary relief?” Apart from Christ, the very life you’re fighting for is tenuous and largely outside of your control.
The battle is not only about freedom from pornography, it is equally about freedom for life in Christ.
The freedom mindset is only truly secure if you’re united to Jesus by faith, because your ultimate good in this life and the next is guaranteed by the blood-bought promises of our Savior. Yes, Christians can lose a lot in this life, and that loss is painful. Christians can sink down into dark places of depression and doubt. But even in that pit, Jesus is with you. He is empowering the smallest seed of faith to trust him for his comfort—comfort which is real and doesn’t require numbing.
Your highest good is Jesus himself. And you always have him, in all circumstances, just as he is hiding you under his wing in the heavenly places (Col. 3:3). The unbelievers’ freedom is still ultimately confined to the prison of unbelief. But in Christ, you are truly free. You’re free from pornography’s big lie—you’re free not only to enjoy Christ’s benefits but also to use your freedom for your neighbor’s good. “For you were called to freedom, brother. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (Gal. 5:13).
This was originally posted at Harvest USA.
Mark Sanders is President of Harvest USA