Raising Self-Confident High School Guys (Part 4)
Instead of approval-seeking and people-pleasers
The most self-confident teenage boys in America should be those coming out of local churches, right? The most confident men on a college campus should be the ones who were raised in the church. The most confident men starting new careers in their 20s should come from the church. The men the church has raised should be the most sought-after marriage candidates in the world.
In fact, if boys are graduating high school with low self-confidence, it is a sign that something has gone terribly wrong. Why would an employer want to hire them, or girls want to date and later marry them? The Bible is clear about how young men raised in the church should see properly themselves when they look in the mirror: “I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one” (1 John 2:14).
But many, if not most, do not see themselves this way, and that is a colossal tragedy. Boys in the church should be immune to the current boy crisis. Sadly, they are not, which means that the people of God may be lukewarm or asleep.
So, what’s wrong? Why aren’t the boys coming out of Christian churches very distinguishable?
[PSA: Playing sports no longer automatically fosters self-confidence. Sports participation, may, in fact, make some boys feel even more like failures, narcissism, addiction, anxiety, depression, and overall poor mental health for the rest of their lives.]
The Boy Crisis
As we all know by now (I think), America is in the midst of a massive boys' crisis! In The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell and Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves, these authors provide comprehensive insights and propose solutions to this pressing issue. Warren Farrell and Richard Reeves observe that this crisis manifests in various educational, social, and psychological challenges faced by boys and young men. Here are the key points from their work:
Educational Underachievement: Boys are falling behind in academic achievement, with lower graduation rates and test scores compared to girls. This gap becomes more pronounced as boys advance in school.
Higher Rates of ADHD and Behavioral Issues: Boys are more frequently diagnosed with ADHD and exhibit more behavioral problems, which can lead to disciplinary actions and a negative school experience.
Mental Health Concerns: Boys and young men are experiencing higher rates of depression and anxiety, and they are more likely to commit suicide compared to their female counterparts. This mental health crisis is exacerbated by societal expectations and pressures.
Fatherlessness: A significant number of boys are growing up without active father figures, which impacts their emotional and psychological development. Father absence is linked to various negative outcomes, including lower academic performance and higher risk of criminal behavior.
Lack of Purpose and Identity: Many boys and young men struggle to find a sense of purpose and identity in a rapidly changing world. Traditional male roles are evolving, and without clear guidance and support, boys can feel lost and disconnected.
Economic Disadvantages: Boys from low-income families face even greater challenges, including limited access to quality education and fewer opportunities for upward mobility.
Farrell and Reeves argue that addressing these issues requires a multifaceted approach that includes better educational support, mental health resources, and strong male role models.
I've been deeply curious about this question for the past five years: What are churches doing to specifically address this crisis, especially for their own boys? From what I've observed across the country, responses range from "nothing" to "not much" to "we're thinking about it." My second question is simply this: Why is there such inaction?
One of the most naive (and perhaps lazy) assumptions is that a church's current youth ministry is structured to address the boy crisis. Parents, if I may be transparent here, it most certainly is not. So, then, why aren't churches leading the nation in offering solutions to this crisis within their communities? Why is there such passivity in addressing this national crisis directly? What happened?
The failure to act decisively is a symptom of a deeper issue. Churches, which should be the bastions of moral and social guidance, seem paralyzed. They should be spearheading initiatives, creating robust programs, and fostering environments where young men can thrive. Instead, there is a disconcerting silence. We must ask ourselves: Have we become too complacent, too comfortable, too afraid to challenge the status quo?
It's time for a wake-up call. The future of our boys—and, by extension, our society—depends on our willingness to confront this crisis head-on.
How We Got Here: Confusing Self-Confidence with Pride
Here's a trend I've observed over the past several years: Churches that are overly concerned with pride can inadvertently sabotage boys' self-confidence by confusing confidence with pride and people-pleasing with humility. They turn their sons into approval-seeking, people-pleasing individuals that no young woman in her right mind would ever want to marry (and rightly so).
Approval-seeking behavior, characterized by low self-confidence—the so-called "nice guys"—leads individuals to doubt their own abilities and worth. Boys in such church environments may become people pleasers, constantly going out of their way to satisfy others, often at the expense of their own needs and well-being. They are incredibly obedient and never get into trouble. They are overly compliant.
This behavior stems from a profound fear of rejection and an overwhelming concern with others' opinions. They fear disapproval. Consequently, these boys tend to avoid conflict, reluctant to express their true feelings or opinions to avoid upsetting others. Additionally, they become heavily dependent on external validation, relying on praise and acceptance from others to feel good about themselves.
This creates a vicious cycle where boys, desperate for approval, lose sight of their own understanding of who God says they are. Instead of becoming confident and assertive young men, they become shadows of what they could be, stifled by an environment that fails to differentiate between healthy confidence and sinful pride. It's a tragedy of missed potential and misguided priorities, one that churches must urgently address if they are to truly support the development of their young men.
This misunderstanding can lead to an environment where boys are encouraged to suppress their confidence in order to appear humble.
When churches confuse confidence with pride, they discourage boys from developing a healthy sense of self-assurance, viewing it as arrogance. They fail to implement intentional programs aimed at building self-confidence. This misunderstanding creates an environment where boys are encouraged to suppress their confidence to appear humble. Similarly, when people-pleasing is mistaken for humility, boys are taught to prioritize others' needs and approval over their own, reinforcing approval-seeking behavior. This dynamic stifles the development of genuine self-confidence and fosters a cycle of dependency on external validation, ultimately undermining the boys' ability to recognize and assert their true, God-declared worth and capabilities.
Moreover, a well-intentioned but misguided notion has emerged that boys only need belief in salvation and correct doctrine to develop self-confidence, rather than formation through action. The idea is that simply "believing the gospel" and learning theology—knowing that they are saved by grace—is sufficient grounds for self-confidence in every aspect of life. Many church leaders and parents believe that repeatedly teaching the gospel, doctrine, and apologetics is what truly excites young men.
However, Jesus himself did not take this approach. Lads need more than just right information about the Triune God. Jesus did not sit his disciples down for three years of 20-minute "talks," resting on the misguided notion that self-confidence comes solely from correct doctrinal information. One can have right doctrine and still be an approval-seeking narcissist who abuses women and terrorizes children, or a people-pleasing doormat.
Jesus demonstrated that true formation involves action, experiences, and challenges. Boys need opportunities to engage in meaningful activities that build their confidence through accomplishments and real-world experiences. They need to be mentored, guided, and encouraged to take risks, make mistakes, and learn from them. Only through such formative experiences can boys develop the robust self-confidence that aligns with their God-given potential and purpose.
It seems that Jesus' method for raising self-confidence, however, involved learning doctrine in the midst of facing obstacles, challenges, pain, suffering, and struggle. It was embodied learning. It was immediately and immensely practical. Why, then, do today’s churches think that putting kids in a youth group room, Sunday school room, or a summer camp is enough?
Self-Confidence Defined
According to the American Psychological Association, self-confidence is defined as “self-assurance: trust in one’s abilities, capacities, and judgment. Because it is typically viewed as a positive attitude; a belief that one is capable of successfully meeting the demands of a task.” Self-confidence is discovered through commentary in action.
The book The Learning, Remembering, Believing: Enhancing Human Performance (1994)1 gives a great explanation of what self-confidence is and how it works:
Self-Confidence and Its Importance: Self-confidence is a crucial motivator and regulator of behavior, significantly impacting achievement and performance. It is not merely a motivational perspective but a judgment about one's capabilities to accomplish goals, influencing motivation through goal setting and self-regulation. Self-regulation involves self-monitoring, self-evaluation, and self-reactions, which include satisfaction or dissatisfaction with past actions and expectations of future capabilities.
Conceptual Frameworks: Self-efficacy theory, developed by Albert Bandura, is central to understanding self-confidence. It posits that self-confidence is a belief in one's ability to execute tasks successfully and is shaped by various sources of information, including performance accomplishments, vicarious experiences, verbal persuasion, and physiological states.
Sources of Self-Confidence Information:
Performance Accomplishments: Mastery experiences are the most reliable source of self-confidence. Successful performance enhances confidence, while repeated failures can diminish it.
Vicarious Experiences: Observing others successfully performing tasks can boost confidence, especially if the observer perceives the model as similar to themselves.
Verbal Persuasion: Encouragement from others, including teachers, coaches, and peers, can enhance self-confidence, particularly when it is believable and just beyond current capabilities.
Physiological States: How individuals interpret their physiological arousal (e.g., anxiety or readiness) can influence their self-confidence.
Self-Confidence and Motivation: Self-confidence affects motivation by influencing goal setting and persistence. High self-confidence leads to setting higher goals and greater commitment to achieving them. It also affects how individuals attribute their successes and failures, impacting their future confidence and motivation. Self-confidence can buffer against negative effects of failure and encourage persistence.
Applications for Enhancing Self-Confidence:
Performance-Based Techniques: These include mastery experiences through guided practice, physical guidance, and progressive challenges to ensure success and build confidence.
Modeling: Observing others, especially those who overcome difficulties, can enhance self-confidence. Multiple models and self-modeling techniques (e.g., edited videotapes) can also be effective.
Persuasion and Communication: Positive feedback, realistic goal setting, and effective communication from instructors can enhance self-confidence. Attributional feedback that emphasizes effort and ability can help maintain confidence after setbacks.
Anxiety Reduction: Techniques such as relaxation, positive self-talk, and manipulating the environment to reduce uncertainty can help individuals feel more in control and confident.
Self-confidence is a powerful predictor of performance, influencing motivation, goal setting, and persistence. Enhancing self-confidence through targeted strategies can lead to improved performance in various domains, including sports, education, and the workplace. Understanding and applying these techniques can help individuals and teams achieve their full potential.
Question: What are churches doing to specifically provide boys the performance accomplishments, vicarious experiences, verbal persuasion, physiological states, and spiritual formation to believe 1 John 2:14 as true about themselves by the time they graduate high school? I recently asked for examples of what local churches are doing on X (formerly Twitter) and I received no responses. How is that even possible given the magnitude of the boy crisis?
As I’ve said before, self-confidence is the birthplace of the application and exercise of wisdom. Self-confidence comes from knowing who God says you are and walking assuredly in that declaration. Gerard Van Groningen, says, like Moses, we must first understand and internalize who God says that we are as one of his people and act accordingly.
Self-Confidence Development in the The Bible
Several individuals in the Old Testament exhibited a lack of self-confidence, and God took steps to build their confidence so they could fulfill what God put before them. Self-confidence is built through actions, not sitting a room eating carb and sugar, watching skits, playing games, and hearing a 15-minute “talk.” God builds self-confidence in his people through embodied experience in space and time. It’s active, not passive. It’s built walking with God through real life challenges on the ground, not inside a building. Here are some notable examples:
Moses
Context: When God called Moses from the burning bush to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Moses doubted his ability to speak eloquently and questioned his worthiness for the task (Exodus 3-4). He said, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” and later, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent… I am slow of speech and tongue.”
God's Response: God assured Moses that He would be with him and provided him with signs and miracles to perform. God also appointed Aaron, Moses’ brother, to be his spokesperson (Exodus 4:10-16).
Gideon
Context: Gideon felt inadequate when God called him to save Israel from the Midianites. He expressed his doubt by saying, “My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family” (Judges 6:15).
God's Response: God reassured Gideon by saying, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.” God also provided multiple signs to confirm His presence, including the wet and dry fleece tests (Judges 6:36-40).
Jeremiah
Context: When God called Jeremiah to be a prophet, Jeremiah doubted his capability, saying, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young” (Jeremiah 1:6).
God's Response: God encouraged Jeremiah by saying, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you” (Jeremiah 1:7-8). God also touched Jeremiah’s mouth to put His words in it (Jeremiah 1:9).
Jonah
Context: Jonah tried to flee from God’s call to prophesy against Nineveh because he feared the task and did not believe in its purpose (Jonah 1:1-3).
God's Response: After Jonah was swallowed by a great fish and prayed for deliverance, God gave him a second chance. Jonah then went to Nineveh and delivered God’s message, which led to the city’s repentance (Jonah 3).
Isaiah
Context: When Isaiah had a vision of the Lord and was called to be a prophet, he felt unworthy, saying, “Woe to me!... I am a man of unclean lips” (Isaiah 6:5).
God's Response: One of the seraphim touched Isaiah’s mouth with a live coal, saying, “Your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.” This act symbolized purification and preparation for his prophetic mission (Isaiah 6:6-7).
Elijah
Context: After his victory over the prophets of Baal, Elijah fled in fear for his life when Queen Jezebel threatened him. He became despondent and wished for death, feeling like a failure (1 Kings 19:1-4).
God's Response: God provided Elijah with food and rest, then revealed His presence through a gentle whisper. God reassured Elijah of his mission and instructed him to anoint new leaders, thus reaffirming his role and purpose (1 Kings 19:5-18).
Abraham
Context: When God called Abraham (then Abram) to leave his homeland and go to a land that God would show him, Abraham showed some hesitation and doubt, especially concerning the promise of an heir. When God promised him descendants as numerous as the stars, Abraham expressed doubt due to his and his wife Sarah's old age (Genesis 15:1-6).
God's Response: God reassured Abraham with a covenant, reiterating His promise and changing Abram’s name to Abraham, meaning “father of many nations.” God also provided a miraculous sign by enabling Sarah to conceive Isaac despite her old age (Genesis 17-18, 21).
Sarah
Context: Sarah, Abraham's wife, doubted God’s promise that she would bear a child in her old age. When she overheard the promise, she laughed and expressed disbelief (Genesis 18:10-12).
God's Response: God reaffirmed the promise, asking why she laughed and asserting that nothing is too hard for the Lord. Sarah eventually gave birth to Isaac, fulfilling God’s promise and boosting her faith (Genesis 18:13-14, 21:1-3).
Hagar
Context: Hagar, Sarah’s maidservant, fled into the desert after being mistreated by Sarah. She felt abandoned and hopeless in the wilderness (Genesis 16:6-8).
God's Response: An angel of the Lord appeared to Hagar, comforting her and promising that her son Ishmael would become the father of a great nation. This encounter reassured Hagar and gave her the confidence to return to Abraham’s household (Genesis 16:9-11).
Esther
Context: When Esther was informed by her cousin Mordecai about Haman’s plot to annihilate the Jews, she initially feared approaching King Xerxes due to the law that anyone who approached the king without being summoned could be put to death (Esther 4:10-11).
God's Response: Mordecai’s encouragement and the reminder of her unique position led Esther to fast and pray. Strengthened by her faith and the support of her community, she courageously approached the king and successfully interceded for her people, leading to their deliverance (Esther 4:12-16, 5:1-3).
Solutions: Church-Based Mentorship Model for Building Boys' Self-Confidence
Here’s a model of what churches can actually do. Churches don’t need more resources; they need people committed to helping their boys in light of their local culture. Churches are overly reliant on outside programs when they should be developing their own because every local culture is different. For example, programs like “Trail Life” may not be suitable for lower-income churches in rural areas and inner cities.
What is required is a tailored approach, one that recognizes and addresses the unique needs and challenges of the local community. Churches must harness the passion and dedication of their members, creating initiatives that resonate with their specific cultural context. This means understanding the particular struggles and aspirations of the boys in their congregations and crafting programs that speak directly to these realities.
Churches can establish mentorship programs where fathers and grandfathers guide younger boys through practical life skills, faith development, and personal growth. By focusing on local solutions, churches can move beyond the one-size-fits-all mentality of external programs, which usually is not sustainable as generations shift. They can create a supportive environment that nurtures the boys’ development in a way that is both relevant and impactful. This commitment to localized, intentional action can transform the lives of young men, equipping them with the confidence and skills they need to navigate their futures successfully walking with God.
In short, churches have the power to create profound change by investing in their boys with tailored, culturally aware programs that build confidence, character, and community.
Program Idea Overview: This program is designed to build self-confidence in boys through mentorship and connections with multiple father figures in the church. Drawing inspiration from how God built the self-confidence of biblical characters, the program emphasizes learning life skills, spiritual disciplines, vulnerability, fun, marriage, family, and more. By leveraging the diverse experiences and wisdom of men in the church, boys will gain comprehensive support and guidance.
Objectives:
Foster Strong, Proper Self-Confidence: Cultivate boys' belief in their abilities through various supportive activities.
Promote Holistic Development: Encourage growth in life skills, spiritual disciplines, and personal development.
Build Meaningful Relationships: Connect boys with multiple father figures for diverse mentorship experiences.
Encourage Vulnerability and Fun: Create a safe environment for boys to express themselves and enjoy activities.
Program Components:
1. Mentorship and Life Skills
Rationale: Like Moses, who doubted his ability to speak and needed assurance and support from God and Aaron, boys will benefit from having mentors to guide and support them.
Activities:
Mentorship Groups: Form small groups where boys are mentored by different fathers in the church, focusing on varied aspects of life.
Life Skills Workshops: Conduct workshops on practical skills like budgeting, cooking, time management, and problem-solving.
Implementation:
Rotating Mentors: Rotate mentors to expose boys to different perspectives and skills.
Hands-On Practice: Provide opportunities for boys to practice life skills under the guidance of their mentors.
2. Spiritual Disciplines
Rationale: Similar to Jeremiah, who doubted his capability and was encouraged by God, boys will be guided to develop their spiritual disciplines with the support of their mentors.
Activities:
Bible Study Sessions: Organize regular Bible study groups led by different mentors, teaching boys how to read, understand, and apply scripture.
Prayer Teams: Establish prayer circles where boys learn and practice different forms of prayer with their mentors.
Implementation:
Spiritual Mentorship: Assign mentors to guide boys in developing their spiritual disciplines.
Scripture Memory Challenges: Encourage boys to memorize and reflect on Bible verses, supported by their mentors.
3. Vulnerability and Personal Growth
Rationale: Reflecting the vulnerability shown by Elijah, who needed reassurance and rest from God, this program will create a safe space for boys to express their struggles and grow.
Activities:
Open Dialogue Sessions: Create safe spaces for boys to share their thoughts, struggles, and fears with their mentors and peers.
Personal Testimonies: Have mentors share their personal stories of vulnerability, failure, and growth.
Implementation:
Confidentiality: Ensure all participants agree to maintain confidentiality to create a trusting environment.
Supportive Feedback: Train mentors to provide empathetic and constructive feedback during open dialogues.
4. Fun and Leisure Activities
Rationale: Inspired by the joy and community experienced by figures like Esther, who found strength through prayer and fasting with her community, this program will incorporate fun activities to build camaraderie.
Activities:
Sports, Games, Cooking: Organize regular sports events and games to build teamwork and have fun. Play games together and challenge each other. Eat together.
Adventure Outings: Plan outings such as hiking, camping, and fishing trips to promote bonding and outdoor skills.
Attend Events: Attend events that boys in your church find interesting.
Implementation:
Activity Calendar: Develop a calendar of fun activities that involve different mentors and groups of boys.
Participation Encouragement: Encourage all boys to participate, ensuring activities are inclusive and enjoyable for everyone.
5. Marriage and Family Preparation
Rationale: Like Abraham and Sarah, who learned to trust in God’s promise for a family, boys will be prepared for future family life with wisdom and guidance from their mentors.
Activities:
Marriage Workshops: Offer workshops on healthy relationships, marriage, and family life led by experienced church fathers.
Family Role-Playing: Engage boys in role-playing scenarios to practice communication and conflict resolution in a family context.
Implementation:
Mentor Panels: Host panels where boys can ask questions and hear advice from married mentors.
Interactive Sessions: Use interactive activities to teach boys about the responsibilities and joys of marriage and family life.
Monitoring and Evaluation:
Regular Check-Ins: Conduct periodic check-ins with boys and mentors to discuss progress and address any challenges.
Feedback Mechanism: Implement a system for collecting feedback from boys and mentors to continually improve the program.
Progress Reports: Create progress reports to track individual development and overall program effectiveness.
Conclusion:
The world needs self-confident men, especially women, and the church should produce them in droves. Self-confident men should be a Christian distinctive. After all, if the resurrection of Christ is true, Christian men have every reason to be the most confident of all men in the world.
By emphasizing mentorship and building connections with multiple father figures, this program aims to cultivate strong self-confidence in boys within the church. Inspired by how God built the confidence of biblical characters such as Moses, Gideon, Jeremiah, Jonah, Isaiah, Elijah, Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, Deborah, Hannah, and Esther, the program covers life skills, spiritual growth, vulnerability, fun, and preparation for marriage and family. This ensures boys develop into well-rounded, confident, and capable young men.
The church has a profound responsibility to nurture and guide the next generation of men. By instilling a robust sense of self-assurance, rooted in following Christ, we can empower boys to become leaders, protectors, and pillars of their communities. Let us commit to this mission with unwavering determination, knowing that the future of our society and the church—and the well-being of nation’s daughters—depends on the strength and confidence of our sons. If we want women to marry great men, we have to do better job of producing them.
For more:
My 90-Min Video: The Church’s Response to the Boy Crisis
The Lost Art of Ambition: How Churches Can Inspire Young Men to Greatness (Part 3)
Druckman, D., & Bjork, R. A. (1994). Learning, remembering, believing: enhancing human performance. National Academy Press.
This was very good. I have become increasingly convinced that virtue is fundamentally imparted through friendship. You cannot have virtuous men, without friendship.
I've had a wonderful experience watching my 9-year-old son learn from men in our parish as he serves in the altar during Divine Liturgy. Two sub-deacons have particularly invested in teaching him the basics of the Liturgy, how to follow along in the server book, what each element of the service means, and how to navigate special festal services, vigils, etc. I have watched this experience deepen and grow his self-confidence. It's also fun to watch him do things I wouldn't typically think 8- or 9-year-olds could or would want to do (for example, at the end of Holy Week, he and others actively served for 10 hours of services with the priest over the course of 2.5 days). While not a mentorship program per se, I see these relationships with older men as truly indispensable for his spiritual and emotional growth moving into his upcoming teen years.
As I read through your sketch of a church-based mentorship program model, I kept thinking: Isn’t this what would naturally happen if the grown men in churches were living as strong, sacrificial, and joyful men whose whole beings are being united to Christ? Do we have men in our churches who are ready to actually carry out this kind of lifestyle?